i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
