sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
