I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
