she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
