I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So vagazzling was a success
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
