It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
