I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
