you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
