we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I wish there were birth control emojis
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
