my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She needs sedatives and a leash
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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