'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
