I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
