I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
