Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
