Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
