Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My penis needs a shock collar
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
