So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
