That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
