new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
