Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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