Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
