I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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