You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You took a bar mat shot.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize