I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize