No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
