1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
You made me cry and you don't even care
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
