he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
