$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
