oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
