You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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