We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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