I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
