some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
My cat gives me a boner
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I use my feet as sexual weapons
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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