like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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