# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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