I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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