There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm sobbing to NWA
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
