Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think my vagina is haunted
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
