If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
