You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
