I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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