lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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