This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Mom said you looked used
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
