My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
