Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
