A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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