Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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