I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I have fence marks all over my body
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
