im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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