I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
