I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
the condom got lost in my hair
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
