Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
