did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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