goodnight i made you a song goodbye
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
