he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
