you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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